Eat Your Sausage & Make Love To Your Wife

“Luther’s faith was simple enough to trust that after a conscientious day’s labor, a Christian father could come home and eat his sausage, drink his beer, play his flute, sing with his children, and make love to his wife — all to the glory of God!”

William Lazareth, Luther on the Christian Home: An Application of the Social Ethics of the Reformation

hat tip This Guy.

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3 Mistakes Women Make in the Bedroom

Instead of posting on this blog the past couple of weeks, I’ve been cruising the back alleys of the internet. There I stumbled across galtime.com, a website like many others, serving the needs of women in love and life 24 hours a day.

I read about the 3 Mistakes Women Make in the Bedroom that Dr. Jane Greer is most concerned about. There are, of course, many other mistakes women are prone to make, the silly little things, but these three are of a more pressing urgency than the others. Not that the others aren’t important! You should still read 6 Things Women Do That Scare Men Off, 7 Reasons Why You Don’t Want Sex, and 5 Ways to Be a Better Lover. Not to mention 5 Tips For Getting In “The Mood”. Because if you can’t figure that one out, your man’s going to leave you this very week.

Anyway, back to the urgent 3 Mistakes. Here’s a quote:

Mistake #1: Comfy Clothes
I know, ladies, that you want to be in those those comfortable nightgowns, those comfortable jammies, that you wear. But, honestly, the quickest turn-off to your partner or spouse are your comfy clothes. So, if you want to spice things up in your love life, shed those comfy clothes and find a ice, hot bra or a nice nighty, something you can be slinky, sexy and comfortable in that will be a TURN-ON to your partner.

Mistake #2: NOT Taking the Lead
Don’t wait to get asked to dance, meaning you’ve got to take the lead. You don’t have to wait for your partner to ask you to have sex or make love with them. Get involved, get into bed, take the lead and get your partner into bed with you. You’ll both have a lot of fun and enjoy yourselves.

Mistake #3: Criticism
It’s to be avoided at all costs. Nothing will turn off your partner faster than you telling him what you DON’T like and what you don’t want taking place. On the other hand, what will be a complete arousal and turn-on is letting him know what he CAN do to please you and what will excite you if he does it.

So, tell him what you like, wear those sexy clothes and, most importantly of all, take the lead so that you can have the fun you’re looking for!

Remember, ladies, the good doctor tells us that these are mistakes to be avoided AT ALL COSTS! Nothing ought to stand in the way of you keeping your man happy with what, let’s face it, has been pretty mediocre service. This is all good advice, but at the end of the day, Dr. Greer is a woman. If you ladies want a man’s take on these 3 Mistakes, The Giant is here for you. You can read my take, you can watch the video at the end of this post, or you can do both.

Giant Take on Mistake #1: Comfy Clothes

It is well known that husbands do not think it’s sexy when their wives wear hubby’s t-shirts. Wait. What?! Of course they do! And what about the sweet way some flannel pajama pants accentuate the plump shapeliness of the derriere? Or is that just me?

Even if it is just me…come on! Women, are you really going to wear black lacy panties all day every day? Or sneak off to change if there’s a chance of “intimacy”? Or wake up before your husband so you can put make-up on?

The real problem, of course, as it is with the other two “mistakes”, is men and husbands. If it is true that “the quickest turn-off to your partner or spouse are your comfy clothes”, then men are all evil assholes. Husbands, if comfy clothes are a turn-off, learn to look at your wife through new eyes. Because the ones you’re using now aren’t working.

It isn’t they who woo us. It is we who woo them. That means we come to them as they are, and we entreat their affection.

Giant Take on Mistake #2: NOT Taking the Lead

I’m not sure why “not” is all in caps.

Wives apparently mess up by NOT taking the lead.

I’m sure most husbands would be glad to have a wife who did their work for them. Wait a second…that’s already a thing! A few years into my marriage I suggested to my wife that it might be nice if she were a little more assertive, if she went after me once in a while.

Know what she did? She laughed at me and told me to be a man. Seriously. Those were her very words.

And that’s sexy.

Nothing wrong with wifey taking the lead. But husbands, you are men. You’re the hunter, you’re the wooer. And your biology backs that up. You’re always going to be going after her; if she came after you, it would only be for variety’s sake, because she will never come after you the way you go after her (although later on it will be okay if she comes after you). So be content with that. That’s your role. You’re the pursuer. Don’t pout and make her chase you; that’s at least as harmful to the female mind as an unresponsive and arbitrary woman is to her man’s wee little psyche.

Giant Take on Mistake #3: Criticism

When I initially read Dr. Greer’s blurb, I was reading for a laugh. Then I hit this one and I stopped laughing. It hit home a little more. I’ve had this exact conversation with my wife. The point made is not so much that women are always nagging and criticizing their men; it’s that women shouldn’t frame things negatively in bed. Less “don’t do that” and more “yes, do that”.

Great point for both sexes. But in sex, the man is usually the performer. He is the one who is doing it to her. He is more vulnerable to criticism because he is initiating and following through. Fair enough. Women should be considerate of that.

But the underlying assumption is the same stupid thing. That the problems in the bedroom are the woman’s fault. Nothing wrong with asking wifey to frame things more positively. But husbands ought to stop being whiney and susceptible and start being doers. You make it so that your wife feels comfy wearing comfy clothes. You make it so that your wife doesn’t have to take the lead when you’re actually the one who wants to have sex all the time. You be the one to set a positive atmosphere, to praise her beauty and her skill.

Stop whining. Maybe then your wives will stop being so insecure. If you want to be built up, build her up. If you tear her down, you’ll go down with her.

Anyone for a closing pun?

Buxom & Bonny In Bed & At Board

“We ate well and cheaply and drank well and cheaply and slept well and warm together and loved each other.”

Ernest Hemingway, A Moveable Feast

We ate, we drank, we slept, we loved. If you can keep it that simple, thanks be to God.

The quote makes me think of my wonderful wife and our wonderful marriage. Of course, it sums up what we do so well, but it’s also reminiscent of my wife’s own motto for marriage. I also like that the quote includes the word “cheaply”, which is a key part of our marital glue.

My wife’s motto in marriage also puts it neatly. “Sex, eat, sleep.”

When I first got married a pastor who was mentoring me (a Baptist who made the mistake of introducing me to Calvin) gave me his most important piece of advice. “Keep the pantry full. No matter how hard things get, make sure you keep the pantry full.” And there is immense wisdom in this. When Christians run in to trouble in their marriages they often want a hyper-spiritual meta-solution, instead of humbling themselves and taking care of practical things, like eating well, and drinking well, and sleeping well and warm together.

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According to John Thrupp in The Anglo-Saxon Home: A History of the Domestic Institutions and Customs of England From the Fifth to the Eleventh Centuries, wives promised to be “bonny and buxom at bed and at board”.

Everything one needs to be bonny and buxom.

I’m going to talk about how awesome that is for husbands. If you don’t like that you can go read my moralizing for husbands while you suck on a lemon.

The bride’s vow, closely related to today’s traditional vows, is “I take thee John to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and health, to be bonny and buxom in bed and at board till death do us part, and thereto I plight thee my troth.”

A “troth”, by the way, is pledged loyalty and faithfulness, as in “betrothal”.

The groom’s vow was briefer, less beautiful, and less alliterative. “I take thee Alice to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, at bed and at board, for fairer for fouler, for better or for worse, in sickness or in health, till death us do part.” It’s interesting to note as an aside here that the groom’s vow contains a promise to stay with her even if she gets old and wrinkly and ugly.

Just saying the words of the wife’s vow is a pleasure. They’re so bouncy! Try it, out loud: “Bonny and buxom in bed and at board.” Or maybe “Sassy and sweet in sack and at seat.” Sweet and bouncy…and bouncy goes so well with “buxom.” We all know what we think first when we hear the word “buxom”.

I’ll bet you don’t think “obedient and tractable”. Yep. That’s the first definition at Merriam-Webster, although it’s plainly labeled as obsolete. The word is from Middle English buxsum, from Old English būhsum; akin to Old English būgan to bend, or bow.

1. obsolete a: obedient, tractable b: offering little resistance : flexible <wing silently the buxom air — John Milton>
2. archaic: full of gaiety
3. vigorously or healthily plump; specifically: full-bosomed

Yes, every man reading this had already thought “full-bosomed”, but that’s the last thing mentioned by dictionary nerds, who are men we should all strive to be more like.

Every young man wants a wife who is flexible.

The oath the bride is giving is one of Christian submission to her husband. The most awesome thing about that is that we’re talking about cheerful obedience. You could even put a hyphen in there and turn that into one word. So we’re talking about cheerful-obedience, a much bally-hooed but seldom seen Christian quality. Buxom meant obedient and flexible, but it must have even then been a word charged with good cheer, since it followed “bonny” so closely, and since it evolved to mean “gaiety” and “bouncing big breasts”.

So Christian wives are called to cheerful obedience in bed and at the table. There are a lot of distractions, and lots of other work, but that’s the core of practical marriage. Thank God for this every day, o you husbands. And pray that you be made worthy.

Dialogue Toward Having a Baby, Illustrated By Children’s Books

The discussion began when I said, “There’s a wocket in my pocket.”

So Kimberly shouted throughout the house, “Bedtime for little bears!”

That being taken care of, I said, “Come on over, baby, and hop on pop!”

But she wanted to know, “Where’s walrus?”

So I told her, “Watch me grow, Kitten.”

She responded, “That is a very hungry caterpillar.”

That’s when I showed her the “Sweethearts of Rhythm”.

Kimberly announced she would recite aloud from “Falling Up”.

I said, “And that’s the wonderful way babies are made.”

To which she replied, “We’re having a home birth.”

And that was pretty much all the talking we did.

5 Songs About Sex Christian Couples Should Listen To

Ah, Christian husbands. Sweet, sweet Christian husbands. Caught up in the carnival of oversexualization and shame that is our society, trying to navigate your marriages, your wives, your sexual sins and hangups, and your immense horndogginess, all at once.

That’s awkward. Also, I feel awkward about using the word “immense” just now.

May I suggest that your marriage could use a little more rock n’ roll? You know, from a Biblical perspective. And make that rock hard. Make that roll smooth.

Each of these songs can be your guide through different times and phases of your walk with wifey. Share these with her. These are for couples. Some are more directed toward husbands, some more toward wives. As always, there are no accusations, but mutual support and encouragement.

1. Keep Your Hands To Yourself, Georgia Satellites

During certain times you might want to keep your hands to yourself. For example, during the gentle phase many call “courtship”, and the less pious call “dating”, during which this song is clearly set.

No hugging, no kissing until you make her your wife.

Once she is your wife, this song can also be helpful during your brief times of mutual sexual abstention, as prescribed in 1 Corinthians 7:5, for devotion to prayer. Always remember, however, St. Paul’s admonition that this should only be for a brief time. It is always good to “come together again”. And I think you know what I mean.

Please don’t nag your woman. Men are always in peril of being sexual “drippers“, all the while believing that their wives are the only nag in the marriage. If you’ve memorized the “Can We ______?” in Mark Driscoll’s sex book, you might be in danger of being a dripper. Consider keeping your hands to yourself for a time.

 

2. Abracadabra, Steve Miller Band

Husband, let your woman know a) that you want her, b) that her deeds in the bedroom are appreciated, and that c) her deeds in the bedroom are effective.

Your wife should know that you want to reach out and grab her. Every wife wants that from her husband all the time. Obviously you both have other things to do besides grab each other, but a standard part of the Christian marriage package that a husband should give his wife is the confidence that he desires her. You know, like a burning flame full of desire. Appreciation and gratitude to God and wife are the order of the day if one wishes to let the fire get higher.

Once the wife knows she is wanted and appreciated, she is better able to make the husband say “you make me hot, you make me sigh. Keep me burning for your love…” Because it’s not about some sort of technique or ancient Eastern secret. It’s about love and enthusiasm. It’s about kindness and consideration. You know, mature married stuff.

 

3. I Want A Little Sugar In My Bowl, Nina Simone

Okay, this isn’t really rock n’ roll. But it belongs here anyway.

O husbands, have you complaints about the wife of your youth? Pray to God for mercy and realize that everything is your responsibility. Yours. You aren’t to be your wife’s accuser before God; you’re to be her advocate. You can’t worry if she’s taking care of her end or looking after your “needs”. So…you better start giving.

Give her some sugar in her bowl. Give her some honey deep in her soul.

What’s the matter, daddy? Come on, save her soul. I ain’t fooling. Now that’s a theologically profound idea. It might even provide an insight into the always difficult 1 Timothy 2:15.

In your entire marriage, and in your chambers, o husband, you be the generous one. Give her some sugar. Right in her bowl.

 

4. Afternoon Delight, Starland Vocal Band

Why wait until the middle of the cold dark night?

Everything’s a little clearer in the light of day. Be open, be communicative, and make love all day. And those of you who know me know that I cannot have used the phrase “make love” casually, since I view its use as a euphemism as deplorable. “Make love” is still listed in Merriam-Webster as to “woo or court” before it’s listed as to “neck, pet, engage in sexual intercourse”.

So make love to your wife all day, send her texts, make phone calls, do favors, speak sweet nothings, whatever. Consider yourself to be in a never-ending state of wooing; win your wife every day.

Do this, and your sky rocket might be in flight afternoon, evening, and night. Maybe even in the morning, before you’ve had your coffee, which is difficult but worth doing.

 

5. Squeeze Box, The Who

There are principally two things that Christians can learn from this tune (I say “principally” because the rich lessons that can be extracted from this subtle work are surely myriad).

First, regularity and frequency must be an important part of any marriage. For the mommy and daddy in this song, that meant all night, every night. That, it seems, was what their marriage required to be healthy. That might not be the way for all couples, but each should find their own rhythm. Where Afternoon Delight reminded us that hubby should always be in woo mode, Squeeze Box might serve to remind wives not to make their husbands work too hard.

Second, in a non-creepy way, it’s a family affair. Squeeze Box is about a mommy and a daddy. I’m not saying that you should make it so that the kids can’t sleep or that the neighbors are kept awake by the “music”. Modesty is meet and right.

But modesty is a glorious and strong thing, very different from shame. Marriage is fundamentally a sexual relationship. That is what it is. It is the only Biblical sexual relationship (depending on how one uses the word “sexual” I here add distractingly). Your neighbors should know that you’re married. Your kids should be confident that mommy and daddy love each other. They may not understand it now, but when they’re older and trying to figure out how to play the squeeze box in their own marriages, they’ll look back and see how you made music, and whether or not you loved it. You’re teaching your kids about music right now, whether they hear you occasionally from the other side of the house or not.

So if nothing else, do it for the kids.

The Magic of eHarmony

According to jezebel.com, the pseudo-science behind dating websites is total crap. Can we have a show of hands among our readers to see how many of you are surprised? Oh, no one?

It would be fair to ask why I’m talking about this on a site that is purportedly dedicated to excursions in virility. Consider this a tangent. Or consider it tangentially related to the primary mission. One of my ever-present secondary objectives is to destroy “romantic” soul-matey ideas of love and marriage.

If eharmony wanted to prove that its method is superior to other matchmaking methods, it wouldn’t be tough, says Karney — all they’d have to do is perform an experiment that compares the success of relationships matched using their algorithm as compared to those cultivated with another algorithm or with no algorithm at all.

That, I am sure, is true. Apparently they haven’t done this, and Dr. Karney wishes that they would. Accurate labeling practices and all that. Fair enough, although eHarmony’s making no medical claims, and no one is harmed in the making of their films…at least not without understanding that this is love, people, and love isdangereuse.

Here’s the weird bit for me.

So it seems a little strange that a guy [the company’s founder, Neil Clark Warren] who “doesn’t like research” would base a company’s entire oeuvre on a fake idea that entire teams of nerds are pouring over tics on a data sheet, pouring primary colored liquid into beakers and watching it bubble, tabulating and cross-referencing and calibrating until a perfect match is found.

Karney doubts whether such an algorithm could even exist. Relationships, he explained to LA Weekly, don’t begin because of actual similarities, but people who are in relationships project similarities onto their partnership. That is, if you’re spending a ton of time around someone you think is rad, you’ll try to hunt for elements of your own personality that match up with the other person’s rad-ness. That’s why looking to long-married couples for matchmaking is ultimately a fool’s errand — they have learned to think they’re very similar to each other over the course of years. They’ve grown together; they weren’t made for each other.

Ms. Jezebel as incarnate in the form of web-writer Erin Gloria Ryan, the answer to your challenge is in your text itself. You say that eHarmony’s equations can’t possibly work because they are trying to recreate the act of two people believing they want to be together, who end up shaping and changing reality to create that perfect match. They think they should be together, so they are together.

Well, perfect. That seems to be exactly what eHarmony does. And the pitch with the nerds, data sheets, and beakers only makes it more effective. They make two people believe they should be together, thereby greatly increasing the chances that they will shape reality to create that perfect match. That’s the magic, and it shouldn’t be a surprise.

I’m not addressing anything brought up in the study cited by the Jezebel article, since I haven’t read it. It sounds interesting and may have a lot of merit. But why hate on someone saying “You two should really be together, you’d be perfect for each other. Oh, you’re not sure? Don’t worry, I have a DOCTORATE IN LOVE, you should definitely give this a shot.”

It could very well be that the folks at eHarmony do not share my cynical belief that any man and woman who are willing to share, sacrifice, and work their love will find love. There’s no finding a soulmate in poetry, and there’s no finding a soulmate in compatibility tests. There’s just doing love.

Are there real “compatibility” issues? Sure, I’ll admit to that if we don’t call it “compatibility”. But it’s not hard to find the necessary degree of “compatibility”. It’s hard to find two people who are willing to be unselfish. If being duped into thinking the person across from you is your mathematically perfect match helps you be unselfish, more power to eHarmony. Or to my personal favorite, Reformed Singles. Brown chicken brown cow!

This is the reformedsingles.com stock photo. Could they not find a nice bearded fellow? I mean, we're Reformed here, by Poseidon's seaweed beard!

Giant Male Virgin #5: Newlywed Kiwi

This post is part of a week-long series of first-person guest posts on male virginity amongst Christians. I know I said we were done, but this one was handed in a little late…but with an excellent perspective, particularly because this is the first post to directly address pornography.

There will be another post in this series from a young man who is still unmarried, and a final closing post from me. So our chaste voyage is not quite over yet.

Mike Wilson is a seminarian in New Zealand. He loves cricket and his woman, to whom he is newly married.

You were a virgin until you married. How old were you at that time?

I was 25 when I married my wife.

If a [Christian] man is not a virgin when he marries, how big a deal is that?

It is serious in a very real sense. Sin is perceived in popular culture as simply a breaking of mostly arbitrary rules – however the Christian understanding of sin is as a force unleashed upon the world that divides and destroys. Sin tarnishes our person, it wounds us and affects our ability to reflect the glory and grace of God, but more than that it affects our relationships with others and with God. Sexual sin is especially damaging in this sense as it directly harms our relationships with others.

I’ve noticed that people have a hard time believing a young man could stay a virgin by choice. That is, that sex is impossible to resist for any length of time. I’m sure that it was difficult, but how difficult was it, really? What kind of struggle was it?

I’ve found that this was more of an issue at high school than later in life. And, really, it only seemed to be an issue for certain groups – the popular kids. I skirted around the edges of most groups and never really belonged to any, although I had friends in most. I can’t remember ever experiencing ridicule for my celibacy, but I think that, in hindsight, the popular kids were probably all busy patting each other on the back for being awesome.

As an adult I’ve found the reaction to be a mix of embarrassment and disbelief. But, because my passions lie in the realm of church leadership and teaching theology, a Christian sexual ethic has largely been the norm for those around me (and certainly for those whose voices I trust enough to speak into my life). However, I also work as a support worker for people with intellectual disabilities and so a large portion of my week is spent with co-workers who have different opinions on pretty much everything. In this setting the most common reaction upon learning I was waiting until marriage was that I had made a great mistake as after marriage the sex stops. As an advertisement for casual sex I think it’s a pretty shitty one.

As far as the kind of struggle remaining celibate was, well I struggled with the allure of pornography as a young man. Pornography lies to you and says it’s harmless, it doesn’t hurt anyone. But perhaps the biggest lie is one we tell ourselves: that we aren’t what we do. We have a picture in our heads of who we are and that is us, the things we do will sometimes reflect that picture and sometimes not but the picture itself is the important thing. When we confront that lie and realize the things we do flow from ourselves and form who we are, its a terrifying moment and we have no place to hide. When I realised this I realised that there’s only one woman that I want to have sex with: my wife.

What good did staying a virgin until marriage do you?

We are not born as fully formed persons. We develop in our early years and begin to etch out for ourselves a picture of the people we might become. If we attach ourselves too closely with one or more people as we grow (in relationships that are sexual or even just overly intimate), it is my experience, that we begin to form our identity as a person-in-relationship. Of course, as creatures who should reflect the social trinity we are born to crave union with others and that is well and good, but if we have developed our identity in relationship with others we don’t learn how to be alone. Our identity, then, exists outside ourselves – tied up in another person, or in the idea of couple-ness – we never have to grapple with who we are because we are always grappling with who they are and who we are with them. By staying a virgin until marriage I believe I have entered this union with my wife as a more fully whole and self-aware person than I could have been had I had the help of others in forming who I am.

If you haven’t already answered this question, how would you say it impacted your marriage? your sex life?

Casual sex is a “forbidden fruit” – it is desirable (and maybe more so because we are told it is untouchable), it promises a lot but delivers far less. Sex within the bounds of a marriage, free of past tainted experiences, is a chance to explore yourself and another in trust and intimacy – and my experience is that this only grows with time! That this journey will begin and end for me with my wife alone means I am not scared of being vulnerable – I don’t need to pretend that I have all the answers. It means that it’s all exploration – this is not ground I have trekked before – and I know that I will never exhaust her mysteries.